Caring About Foster Kids

Right now, I’m trying to compile resources together and I’d love to get your help! Nicolette has been great providing resources and I just wanted to reach out to see if anyone might have first hand, or know of somebody who’ve had first hand experience in aging out of foster care.

I’d love to meet people, and talk to them, who’ve experienced what i was like to not be officially adopted prior to turning 18. Thank you for your help and support of the No Longer Silenced Movement. If you check out our facebook, you can see the great posts that Nicolette has been putting up while she’s been working hard in Graduate school.

Also, if you have any interest in writing for the No Longer Silenced Movement, please reach out via wordpress, twitter, email, or facebook. We’re looking for some writing interns to help us reach out and help as many child abuse survivors as possible.

Thank you all for your incredible support.

High School Drop Out To College Graduate

This story is by a guest writer, that we would like to keep anonymous.

My story may be familiar to some of you who are reading it or completely foreign to others, I am a high school drop out. There is a certain stigma associated with being a high school drop out. Some people will say we are stupid, worthless, and that we are going nowhere in life. While the decision I made to drop out of high school seemed like the only option at the time, it is one I have truly regretted for a very long time. However, I no longer have regrets or self-pity. The choice was mine to make, but it was not a choice that defined me as a person. This is my story.
Growing up, I came from a poor family. Most people in my family dropped out of high school. From my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, most of them never finished high school. As a result of this, my parents held low-income jobs. There were times that our power got shut off, there wasn’t much food in the fridge, and there was never much at Christmas. While my childhood was mostly ok by emotional standards, the financial standards were less than favorable.
While attending school, I was very active in different sports and clubs. I was a cheerleader and on the student council. I was a very upbeat and social person that enjoyed spending time with my friends. However, this is when the unraveling began. My parents got divorced when I was 16-years old. My Mother had been setting up plans to divorce my Father for several years prior to the actual day she left. When I was in middle school she took me to see some apartments with her. For several years previous to this, she also set up plans for us to see a male friend of hers out of town periodically, all while reminding me not to tell my Father. After these awkward encounters, I harbored a huge amount of guilt and feelings of remorse that I had no control over.
After my Mother left when I was 16, it was just my Father and I in an empty house, and my depression began to set it. My Father was in a depressive state because his wife had left him and I felt as if I contributed to his feelings of sadness because I did not speak up and say anything to him about the man my Mother was taking me to see. Looking at my Father, I felt that I betrayed him and caused him a huge amount of sadness. My depression worsened and I was prescribed medication.
As I wrestled with these feelings of what I felt that I had done, my depression worsened to the point where I tried to commit suicide. I was hospitalized and treated at a youth facility where I completed a program for depression. When I was released, I found out people in my high school were spreading horrible rumors about me and I began to become more depressed and developed intense anxiety. Finally, after all the rumors, the giggles, and the staring, I decided that I could not handle the walls of my high school and I decided to drop out at 18 years old, with only one semester left of my high school career. Even though my family tried to convince me otherwise, there was no way that I was going back to school.
After dropping out of high school, I started partying intensely and hanging out with people that I should not have been. Fortunately, my sister offered to let me come live with her in another city so I could start fresh. The stipulations that she had were that I get my GED and find a job. Finally, after getting a good retail job and obtaining my GED, I felt like my life was finally getting back on track. I was happy because I had a wonderful support system with my sister and her family and I felt like I was talking care of myself. My sister then pushed me to pursue college because she knew I could make something of myself.
When I moved away for college, I found new opportunities and great friends. Unfortunately the freedom and the extra student loan money got the best of me and I was now a college dropout. At 18, I simply was not mature enough to attend classes because I was too busy being social and having fun. I did however, learn the hard way that life is not easy on your own. After having a part-time retail job, I found myself working full-time in a call center second shift.
The depression began to sink in because I felt like I wasn’t doing anything with my life and I felt very disconnected from the world and my family. At the age of 19, I found myself back into psychiatric treatments staying in-patient and in group therapy. This is where I really learned valuable coping skills and decided that I did not want to live a depressed life anymore. I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage, but I wanted to change and become a more positive, less depressed person.
My life completely changed when I met my now-husband. He comes from a very tight-knit family. His parents were very good to me and let me move in with them and they started to feel like family. With the support of my husband, he pushed me to go back to school. The night before I started m first math class, I bawled my eyes out because I thought I was going to fail. The funny thing is, I aced that class, along with every other subsequent math class that I have taken.
My life did a complete 180. I went from being someone who got poor grades in high school to becoming a woman who made the Dean’s list every semester in college. With every class, there were many challenges but the rewards were huge. Through this college experience, I have gained so much confidence and happiness within myself that I never thought was possible. Overcoming the obstacles of remedial math and science classes and being another poverty student statistic, were extremely hard obstacles for me to overcome. The self-doubt I also carried within myself was also another huge hurdle for me to cross over.
But, I made it. Now I can finally say, at the age of 25, I proved the statistics wrong. Mostly, I am finally happy with myself. Sure, I still battle depression but I have learned that there are ways to manage these feelings. The biggest thing I have learned is that we really can do whatever we put our minds to. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to attend college and have a chance to change my life around. What is important in life is how we go forward after we make a mistake. I truly regretted dropping out of high school and college but I found the motivation within myself to go back and face my fears. Now, I am happier than ever and will never have to face poverty again.

Not Just Survivors

As a survivor, you can change the world. You can motivate people again and again, and encourage them to do good with their lives. Survivors can do phenomenal work, but that’s not enough for the World. It cannot just be survivors who care. It cannot just be loved ones of victims. We need all the help we can get, including people outside of the tragedy that is Child Abuse.

According to statistics provided by childhelp.org, 4-7 children die each day to child abuse. While all child deaths are tragic, we hear about children dying in hot cars, averaging a few dozen a year, when child abuse loses 1,460-2,555 a year, yet they never make national news. We need to care more, and we cannot do it alone

For The Summers Stuck At Home

A lot of use can’t wait for the summer to come. Warmer weather, vacations, the beach; the season is made for relaxing and enjoying yourself…but for the kids, the teens, and the young adults out of school for the summer, they’re anything but relaxed. If you have a loving home and beautiful family to experience your freed up time with, it can be amazing, but for a family that’sw abusive, physically and emotionally…you’re not only miserable but you’re trapped.

You try doing everything you can to get out of the house, hang out with as many friends as you possibly can, despite how broke you are, and fill up your time any way that you can….but at the end of the night, you have to eventually go home. You’re uncomfortable and not happy, worst of all you’re scared, and you start to see pictures of the people you care about with their loving families and the pain feels twice as bad.

You can’t change your family, not really anyway, but you have the chance to change your experiences. Remember, in those dark times, when you’re feeling lost and worthless, when you’ve seen the last happy family picture you can possibly stand…always sit back and remember, you’re not alone. We’re here for you, we have been, and we always will be. No matter what time of day, even if we’re asleep and you can solely read blogs and Nicolette’s book “One”, we’re here, and we’ll do everything we can for you, as soon as we can.

You’re not alone. Your family might not be the ones to comfort you when you’re lost and down, but somebody will always understand you, be compassionate, and will relate to you like you never thought you could relate to somebody before. You have your own “family” no matter what you think.

If You Ever Need Someone To Talk To

Since it’s a Friday night, I’m going to keep this short and sweet. If you ever need somebody to talk to, never feel bad about reaching out. We’re here to support you. We’re here to help you. No matter who you are. No matter what you’re going through, don’t ever think you’re alone.

No tragedy is the same, no bad childhood can be compared, and nobody can really say they understand your depression and anxiety exactly as is…while all that is true, we still can support each other. We can lend a listening ear, when it feels like you’re world is falling apart. When you feel so unloved, getting out of bed is too difficult to bear, read some posts and remind yourself, that there are people out there…people you’ve never met, who want you to know how special you are, and how much you are not alone, even though it may feel that way.

You get this life, and you’re handed a deck of cards, and sometimes, no matter how great of a person you are, you’re deck can and will royally suck…and what’s worse is the people who put themselves above all will get the most incredible and unfair deck, and it will make you feel worse, it’ll make you want to give up…but that’s when you need to try harder. No matter what you’re experiencing, I promise, there’s somebody out there that understands how you feel. Don’t give up on yourself. never ever give up on yourself.

Regardless of how you feel in this moment, remember all of this, and make your life the most beautiful comeback story anyone has ever seen.

The Rare but Potentially Fatal Abuse Nobody Cares About

I don’t know if you heard the story, but last year Boston Children’s Hospital suffered a lot of backlash after flagging a case as medical child abuse, which would result in the state taking the child away. Last year, I read a post that Boston Children’s wrote addressing the issue, and the comments were flooded with harsh negativity. People said they were awful, cruel, and despicable doctors trying to rip a child away from their parents.

Is that what people think? Do people automatically assume the parents have done no harm, and that the person taking their child away from their abusive custody is cruel? The case was difficult because medical child abuse is probably the easiest to cover up, and it is the least looked for abuse in children.

The case all started when Justina Pelletier, a 14 year old girl, was brought in by her parents to Boston for the treatment of mitochondrial disease. Mitochondrial disease, is not very common, it’s symptoms are not very unique, and it is potentially fatal if left untreated. The problem wasn’t only that it’s difficult to diagnose, but no formal test was done, called the “hallmark of mitochondrial disorders” by the diagnosing Doctor from Tufts Mark Korson. Besides the sketchy lack of tests and research done into her symptoms, mitochondrial disease is known as the go-to disease to medical child abusers.

For not having a clear and confirmed diagnosis, it’s important to note that prior to this, she already faced extreme surgeries. The 14 year old, never tested for a disease, already had a permanent port surgically implanted into her stomach to flush out her digestive system, a common problem of those suffering child medical abuse. Many were upset about the stance Boston Children’s took on the childs case, including the original diagnostician, saying they’re extremely intrusive.

They pulled the child away from her parents, the accused abusers, and prevented contact from them. What may seem extreme to the outside, how would you feel if it were a confirmed medical abuse case? You’d be praising the doctors for stepping in and insuring the safety of that child, while still working to get her well.

All abuse is important, and any suspicions should always be reported. Nothing is more painful than a child stuck in an abusive home.

Emotions Behind Abuse

When asked how she felt right before she left her abuser on http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2013/03/quotes-on-abuse-from-survivors/ ….”Guilt, relief, and pity. I told myself there was nothing else I could do for him, because he would either kill me or I’d kill myself before I even graduated high school.” ~Alexandra

People who look at abuse on the outside, can’t understand how people endure it for so long. They can’t understand why victims feel guilt, about the world gaining knowledge that someone they loved and looked up to, is an abuser. The world is not black and white, and abuse is not so simple. Outsiders might see it as weakness, but I assure you, it’s not.

The reason a victim feels the way they do comes from a number of things, but they have a much better understanding on what goes on in the human mind than you think. They understand concepts you have to experience to even consider. They see their abuser, and they realize, there’s something wrong with them, and they need help. More times than not, an abuser has been abused themselves, and the vicious cycle grows and continue to mark an ugly family tradition.

It’s not to make an excuse for their abuser, or any abuser…in life we all have experiences that lead us to decisions, and no matter what it is that happened to us, we make that decision, and will be the ones to face the consequences of that decision. To be clear, I’m not writing this in the hopes that an outsider will understand, though I wish they would…I’m instead, writing this for any and all victims of abuse. If you’ve ever felt pathetic or weak based on society’s opinion, I’m here to tell you, you’re not. Never for a second, forget that you’re anything but strong and courageous, and people around the World do understand you. You’re never alone in this.

The Silent Fight In America

Have you ever noticed how many arguments Americans involve themselves in Daily? There’s abortion, race, and the welfare system, oh and immigration, that I see people have everyday. The fight I rarely see? The one about child abuse, advocating for abused children, and foster kids (as a good amount of them come from abusive homes. I’m not saying the people I know advocating against child abuse aren’t doing a good job. Nicolette alone is inspiring people everyday, all while being in graduate school, and a pet owner(which might not seem like a huge commitment, but she treats her dog how I treat mine, and that requires constant attention); but child abuse is one of the few causes that, if you’re not a volunteer or your job doesn’t involve the subject, nobody has an opinion on it.

It’s weird to think how many people have an opinion about every topic, but not this one. It’s as if they don’t see it as a huge deal. If you looking at the statistics in the blogs bio (included by Nicolette via childhelp.org) you see how statistically speaking, those abused are more likely to have a child young, do drugs, and be imprisoned for one reason or another; ironic because those three fall back on everyone’s major problem with the welfare system. Of course there’s many survivors that become empowered by their tragedies, but it’s not easy. It’s hard to overcome abuse in a positive way without support system. When abused children are taken from their homes, they enter foster care…each year, an average of 20,000 kids, age out of foster care, never having a family, this traces back to another argument, about reproduction, but I don’t see anybody jumping forward to adopt the kids who need it most. Is it because they’re no longer babies? Giving a child coming out of a traumatic family home can help them to build this positive atmosphere for themselves, and to never give up, no matter what struggles they face.

Day 16-21 the End of the Challenge

Sorry for the delay everyone! When I spent time with my nephew last week, he ended up getting sick, and then I caught it! Due to the lateness, I’ll be including Day 16-21 of the challenge. I hope this challenge has really helped in you some way, and that you push yourself to grow each and every day, never letting the World knock you down!

Day 16- What’s one thing you’ve done, no matter how small, to help someone, that you’re particularly proud of?

Day 17- Write a letter to the person you love most, or that you look up to the most. How have they helped you?

Day 18- Write the scene of something relaxing. What do you think of when you need a break?

Day 19- Imagine you’re giving a lecture to a middle school. Not about a particular subject, but of life in general. What would you tell them?

Day 20- What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn, so much so that it’s a life goal? What’s keeping you from doing it?

Day 21- Any younger generation in your family, or your own children…what do you want them to think of when they think of you and how do you intend on leaving that mark on them?

Day 13, 14, & 15 of the 21 Day Survivor Challenge

Day 13- What book has inspired you and made a positive impact on your life and why?

Day 14- Has there been a fictional survivor (from any experience, not necessarily a fictional child abuse story) that has helped you to heal, or that is a “fictional role model” to you?

Day 15- Write a letter, not one to send, to your abuser, what have you always wanted to say to them? What do you think you could say that will help you to get closure?